All that Glitters is not Gold
by cullen's pet
Summary: Fred and George Weasley have a new product that they decided to test on Draco Malfoy. Who knew that the Glitter Globule would be so entertaining? Story rated for language and glitter spouting from... well you'll have to read to find out!


A/N: So, never in my wildest imaginings did I ever believe that something that I thought of sarcastically would ever turn into an actual story, but here we are. I hope you guys enjoy my first foray into the ridiculous world of a crackfic.

All That Glitters is Not Gold

Fred and George Weasley sat at the Gryffindor table that night positively bouncing with excitement. They'd invented a new product and decided that one Draco Malfoy would be the ideal candidate to be their first official human tester.

Not that the prat had any idea that he was testing one of their esteemed inventions. It had taken some delicate finagling on their part. A careful trip into the kitchens, a hushed conversation with a particular house elf, and an assurance that their 'treat' would not harm the unwitting recipient.

Of course, Dobby didn't really care that their concoction would embarrass Slytherin's so-called Prince, he didn't want the twins to get in trouble. They were the friends of the GREAT Harry Potter, after all.

They'd come up with the ideal of the Glitter Globule about a third of the way into the year. It had been an especially trying year, what with Umbridge running around with her 'educational decrees' and employing the Slytherins to sneak around and snitch on them. They put their heads together (which they usually were anyway) and came up with the perfect revenge.

They'd set everything up with Dobby earlier that day. Now, they were merely waiting to see the fruits of their labor. They didn't want to merely embarrass the defacto leader of Slytherin; they wanted to humiliate him. So, they'd done quite a bit of research and even enlisted the help of Hermione, although to her credit, she didn't know what she'd helped them create. She really was scary brilliant, and they'd entertained the thought of giving her the offer of as full time position in product development after they got the store off the ground.

But that was far into the future. They were in the here and now. Everyone was tucked into their dinner, but they only had eyes for the Slytherin table across the hall.

They didn't notice as Gryffindor's princess seemed to scrutinize them carefully from across the table. She watched them for a moment, her eyes narrowed as she considered the infamous troublemakers. She'd been hounding them all year; they'd been testing their wares on the student population, which had yielded great results.

"Are you boys going to eat this evening? Or were you planning an illegal foray into the kitchens again?"

She waited for their answer as Fred and George met each other's eye. "Hermione," Fred began. "I'm hurt by your insinuations. We would never break school rules…"

"Without a really good reason," George finished.

Hermione frowned disapprovingly. "You shouldn't break school rules for trivial reasons. Umbridge…"

"You mean Umbitch," Fred grinned.

"Fred!" Hermione whispered. "Shh, she might hear you. Anyway, Umbridge is just looking for a reason to expel you two."

George sighed and reached across the table and patted the witch's small hand. She really was pretty, his brother better man up and see what was right in front of him before she slipped away. "Relax, Hermione. We've got it covered. Even if she expels us, we…"

George trailed off as a shout cut through the air from the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy was standing on the table, slowly shedding his clothes. George turned to Fred and grinned.

Showtime.

Pansy Parkinson was standing and screeching at her boyfriend. "Draco Malfoy! Get your arse off the table! Put your shirt back on!"

She tried to reach out and pull him from the table but her hand bounced off, as if repelled by some sort of shield spell. By now the whole great hall was silent and every student was watching the spectacle at the Slytherin table.

Draco Malfoy's face was priceless as he began prancing and singing down the length of his housemates table, kicking plates and goblets off as he went. "Hello my baby! Hello my honey! Hello my ragtime gal!"

Each line was accompanied by a kick, which sent more food and cutlery flying. He was slowly shedding clothing as he went. The entire student body erupted in laughter as Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape rushed over to the Slytherin table.

"Mr. Malfoy," McGonagall's shrill voice cut through the laughter. "I must insist that you get down at once!"

Fred was snickering in his seat. This was so much better than he thought it would be. Dennis Creevey had run over to the Slytherin table, his camera clicking away. There would be everlasting footage of the greasy little gits embarrassment. Maybe they could take the pictures and magically enlarge them and post them through the school.

McGonagall aimed a spell at the dancing Malfoy, attempting to get him down. It back fired and struck her in the chest. She levitated up to the ceiling, her arms flailing around.

"Send me a kiss by wire, baby my hearts on fire," Draco sang loudly as he shed his pants.

Snape looked torn. He didn't know whether he should get Minerva down or stop the young Malfoy. He was his godson and he was almost naked. But he didn't know what was protecting the young man from their spells. Something was obviously controlling him. He made his decision. Minerva was in no immediate danger. And Draco was a few seconds from being completely starkers in the middle of dinner.

The Gryffindor table was in hysterics. Even Hermione was laughing uncontrollably. She clutched her sides as she wheezed, "Merlin, if I laugh any more, I'm going to pee."

"Watch," Fred whispered. "We're getting to the best part."

Hermione's eyes widened as George elbowed his other half. He'd give them away if he wasn't careful. Hermione's eyes returned to the antics across the room as she heard Snape hissing at his student.

"Draco, cease this tomfoolery this instant! I don't know what has gotten into you…"

The esteemed Potion's Master trailed off as his godson turned around and pulled down his boxers, shoving his naked rear in his face. The whole of the student body laughed uproariously as Draco farted and green and silver glitter erupted from snobby, Slytherin's arse, covering the face and hair of the alleged dungeon bat.

Ron and Seamus lost it completely, rolling around on the floor of the great hall laughing until tears fell from their eyes. Harry clutched his sides, gasping for air as Ginny announced that she needed a new pair of knickers.

Seamus gasped from the floor, laughing hysterically. "That just goes to show ye, all tha' glitters is not gold!"

The Gryffindor table shook as everyone howled with laughter at Seamus' pronouncement. George finally lost it as Snape sputtered angrily, his face an ugly shade of puce as he spat glitter out of his mouth. He hadn't planned on something like that happening but he was glad that it did. It killed two birds with one stone.

"Who knew Gred, that we'd be treated to dinner and a show this fine evening!" he laughed loudly bending double as Snape leaned forward and vomited on the floor. Malfoy looked sick himself as he shook his arse one more time and pulled up his underwear so that he could continue his trek down the table.

"If you refuse me, honey you lose me, then you'll be left alone!" By now, all of his housemates had scampered up against the wall, afraid that they'd be treated to their very own glitter shower. None of the other Professors moved a muscle, as they'd seen what had happened to both McGonagall and Snape.

Every step Draco took, more glitter spouted from beneath his underwear, raining down on the table underneath him. "Oh baby, telephone and tell me, tell me I'm your very own! Ohhh, hello my baby! Hello my honey! Hello my ragtime gaaallll!"

The Slytherin Prince stood still for a moment, his arms outstretched before he jumped from the table and fled the hall, his normally pale face flaming with embarrassment.

Hermione sat stunned for a moment as her classmates went wild around her, speculating what had happened to the normally reserved Slytherin. "I almost feel sorry for him," she told Fred as she watched Professor Flitwick levitate Professor McGonagall from the enchanted ceiling.

"He's not worth your pity, Granger."

She turned and pinned an intense stare on the mischievous duo. "You wouldn't know anything about this, would you?" she asked suspiciously.

"I don't know anything. Do you, Forge?"

"Why Gred, whatever are you talking about?"

Hermione continued to look at them suspiciously. "It's like this, Granger," George explained. "It's all about plausible deniability. There's no proof…"

"To say whether we did or didn't do anything to Malfoy," Fred added. "All I can say, after all the shite he's put us through over the years, he deserved it."

~~~FIN~~~

End Note: Awww… I hated doing that to my Draco. Poor boy is so embarrassed. Tell me what you thought. I'm glad this image is out of my head.


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